So here I stand, once again, in front of this titanium steel door. As my glance phases into a long stare at the key that’s dangling from the chain hanging around my neck, my brain begins to switch its mode to overload as limitless thoughts as to why I’m here again race on. Years ago I encountered an unwanted journey that led me to this cold door. Twists of sadness, drops of angers, steps down depression and a pitch black alley of a failed suicide attempt. This is the darkness that breathes behind my steel door. Surviving through the smack of rock bottom was the most challenging task I had ever been handed. The micro second that I escaped through that particular doorway I promised myself that I would never revisit that place again. A simultaneous action of dead bolting the door and engraving a warning “Never Unlock Under any Circumstances” in the center of it ended my first and only visit inside my dark place.
So far so good, now I will admit that there have been moments when I’ve caught myself holding that iron key and driving down memory lane. There has even been a time or two where I have found myself sitting right outside that damn steel door, listening to all of the emptiness that sirens behind it, causing my eardrums to painfully vibrate. But, not once have I ever matched together lock and key, tempted, never implemented.
“So break me down if it makes you feel right and hate me now if it keeps you all right. You can’t break me down if it takes all your might, ’cause I’m so much more than meets the eye…” . -Seether
Today as I right this blog and as you’re reading this blog, I confess that I have that irritating feeling of becoming lost again. I feel as though I’m at the starting point I found myself at the first time around. I’ve heard that sometimes you have to become lost in order to find yourself. Sitting here and typing my thoughts out has made me arrive at the conclusion that perhaps its true. Maybe I need to be lost for just a bit so that I can dig that deep tunnel, come back out on the other side and find myself. By no means do I want to repeat my past journey, more like reroute into a new one, a much less darkened one. Writing and music have always aided my heart and mind in their healing process, they’ve also always been my escape. I’m thinking that its time to create a new playlist… time to create a new literary masterpiece… time to get lost and start the navigation so that I can find myself.
So here I stand, once again, in front of this titanium steel door…
Until next blog… Love Derra ❤